I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
