Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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