Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
