You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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