I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
