I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize