Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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