My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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