Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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