matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
