Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
