final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
