he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
