guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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