Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
