On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
