He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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