battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
