How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
