If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
