booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A+ Viking dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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