The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
