she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
