some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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