he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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