Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
