After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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