you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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