I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
