is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
