Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
