He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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