Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
