her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
