you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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