My Higher Power is John Stamos
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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