I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
