Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
