Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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