I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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