Just took my morning after pill in the library
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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