u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
