Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You need a sexual gate keeper
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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