When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
