I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
