I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You're earring is so big in my mouth
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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