Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
