God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
