ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
