you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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