i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
