took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
