Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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