I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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