The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
