There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
barbara walters just said penis...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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